Hands
by LambdaDash
Summary: One-shot. Faced with the cruel truth of his actions, a warrior struggles to come to terms with his guilt.


**_Author's note:_**_ this story takes place after the Namek saga. _

**_Disclaimer:_**_ all characters are property of A. Toriyama_

His eyes fluttered awake.

Soft, pale moonbeams illuminated the room, causing the beads of sweat adorning his face to take on an ethereal glow. He brought shaky hands to his face and through squinted eyes inspected them, turning them over. They were clean. They always were.

But why did they feel so dirty?

He'd had yet another soul-jarring nightmare - a nightly occurrence as of late. He covered his face with those clean-but-dirty hands and exhaled deeply, trying to calm his racing heart. He whispered to himself that it was all just a dream, a horrible, terrible, dream, and that those things he dreamt of were long absolved with the past.

Suddenly, a small, sad smile broke out onto his troubled face. Oh the irony of it all! Here he was, one of the strongest beings in the world -no, the universe - and yet every night he was being reduced to a trembling wreck by what? Mere thoughts? Old memories? Ridiculous! No, this enemy was more than just the workings of an unsleeping mind. No, this enemy was cunning. A repressed guilt, creeping into his brain, attacking his unguarded soul as he slept. It was eating him alive and he didn't know how to stop it.

The death of his soul began with the death of his body. Recently, he had died in battle (he still cringed whenever he thought about it). Upon his death, his soul had been transported to the check-in station in Otherworld. He had never spent much time pondering the mysteries of the afterlife, yet, seeing it with his own eyes, he knew that whatever he could have ever imagined would never have come close to what actually lay before him. It surpassed his wildest dreams.

After impatiently waiting in line, he found himself before a giant desk at which was seated a colossal being: King Yemma, decider of fates. With the flick of a wrist, the massive ogre had produced a red, leather-bound book - the Book of Judgment, he had called it. Inside its pages lay record of every deed any being had ever committed, whether large or small, good or bad, significant or not. He noticed there were many pages attributed to his name.

He did not fear what information lay inscribed upon those pages. He knew very well the type of life he lived. He had nothing to hide. However, the book was very cruel.

The mind tends to gloss over and repress those things which make us uncomfortable - things we regret, things we did wrong, things we neglected to do. This man, this _Saiyan_, his mind worked no differently than any other. Only when confronted with the information within the book did he fully realize the true depth of his denial. Memories long-repressed were dredged up, forcing him to acknowledge his most regrettable acts. Had he truly taken the lives of so many? He felt ashamed.

However, he never had the chance to be sentenced by Yemma. Apparently, the gods had other plans for him and he was given a second chance at life. He swore to himself that he would be more careful this time, more mindful of his actions so that when he did die again, he could do so without regrets.

Despite holding tight to his promise, his newly surfaced guilt would not diminish. It haunted his dreams and hung over his head in a cloud of regret. The truth Yemma had forced him to face hurt.

Beginning to finally calm, he rolled over and wrapped an arm around the sleeping form beside him. This woman, if she knew all the bad things he'd ever done, of the people he'd killed, would she still want him? Would she think him a monster? He hoped not.

With that final thought, he closed his eyes and settled yet again for another sleepless night. Maybe one day he'd finally triumph over his guilt but for now, Goku would continue to battle against the one opponent he couldn't win against - himself.

**_Author's note:_**_ Surprise! It wasn't who you were thinking of, was it? Although Goku has done many heroic things and would most certainly be sent to Heaven, he was also responsible for quite a few deaths. Despite most of these being bad guys who left him no choice, Goku sees things very black and white. _


End file.
